If your life is not in jeopardy for what you
believe, you’re probably on the wrong side!
“Indeed, all who want
to live a godly life united with the Messiah Yeshua will be persecuted.” (2Tim 3:12)
It is what you actually believe that determines how you walk out your faith,
“but avoid stupid controversies, genealogies,
quarrels and fights about the Torah; because they are worthless and
futile.” (Titus 3:9)
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Please Note: Absolutely nothing on this website should be taken as anti-Church. I am not anti-anything or anyone. I am only pro-Torah and pro-Truth (see “Philosophy”), but sometimes the Truth upsets our long-held beliefs. I know it certainly upset mine! For example, see “Why Isn’t My Theology Consistent Throughout the Website?”
Bible Bloopers
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world:
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God
got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built
an ark, which the animals came onto in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of
salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout
history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a
strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was
when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor
thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit
adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in
the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says
to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man
doth not live by sweat alone.”
- The people who followed the Lord were called
the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the
opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
[These bloopers are said to have been written by actual students and are “genuine, authentic, and un-retouched.” They were compiled by Richard Lederer, and appeared in the 12/31/95 edition of “National Review” magazine.]
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