If your life is not in jeopardy for what you
believe, you’re probably on the wrong side!
“Indeed, all who want
to live a godly life united with the Messiah Yeshua will be persecuted.” (2Tim 3:12)
It is what you actually believe that determines how you walk out your faith,
“but avoid stupid controversies, genealogies,
quarrels and fights about the Torah; because they are worthless and
futile.” (Titus 3:9)
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Please Note: Absolutely nothing on this website should be taken as anti-Church. I am not anti-anything or anyone. I am only pro-Torah and pro-Truth (see “Philosophy”), but sometimes the Truth upsets our long-held beliefs. I know it certainly upset mine! For example, see “Why Isn’t My Theology Consistent Throughout the Website?”
The Eternal Jewish Truths, or
Your Grandmother’s Talmud
- The optimist sees the bagel; the pessimist
sees the hole.
- If you can’t say something nice about someone,
say it in Yiddish.
- Its not who you know, it’s who you know had a
nose job.
- If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
- After the destruction of the second Temple,
God created Loehmann’s.
- Nobody looks good in a yarmulke.
- Never pick your nose in shul, it’s the one
place you know He’s watching.
- Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
- Goyim leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
- 20 percent off is a bargain; 50 percent off is
a mitzvah.
- Wine needs to breathe, so don’t rush through
the Kiddish.
- Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn’t play ball
on Yom Kippur.
- There’s nothing like a good belch.
- Israel is the land of Milk and Honey, Florida
is the land of Milk of Magnesia.
- NEVER PAY RETAIL!
- Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket
makes a nice Hors d'oeuvre.
- No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but
then again, no one leaves a Jewish wedding with a hangover.
- The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to
do with marijuana.
- If your name was Lipschitz, you would change
it too.
- Always whisper the names of diseases.
- One mitzvah can change the world, two will
just make you tired.
- If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
- Anything worth saying is worth repeating a
thousand times.
- The most important word to know in any
language is “sale.”
- Where there’s smoke, there’s smoked salmon.
- Never take a front row seat at a bris.
- Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.
- Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how
about a nice cruise?
- Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
- Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami
Beach.
- You need ten men to make a minion, but only
four in polyester pants and white shoes to play pinochle.
- A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.
- A schemata is a dress that your husband’s ex
is wearing.
- Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
- Who do you think invented the 50 minute hour?
- Before you read the menu, read the prices.
- There comes a time in every man’s life when he
must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens
around age 45.
- According to Jewish dietary law, pork and
shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
- Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child
is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
- No meal is complete without leftovers.
- What business is a yenta in? Yours.
- If you have to ask the price, You can’t afford
it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everyone what you paid.
- The only thing more important than a good
education is a good parking spot at the mall.
- Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn’t cure
anything, but it makes you feel better.
- Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
- Laugh now, but someday you'll be driving a big
Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon!
Same story, different century … almost
A couple approaches the border crossing into Israel. The man is walking and the woman, pregnant, is riding on the donkey.
The border guard says, “Shalom. Welcome to the Holy Land. What is your destination?” He replies, “Bethlehem.”
“Oh?” says the guard, suspecting something here. Playing along, he asks, “And what are your names?” He replies, “I am Yoseph and this is my wife, Miriam. We are tired and are looking to find a place there to rest … perhaps a hayloft or manger somewhere in Bethlehem.”
Really feeling now like he is being played for a fool, the border guard says, “And I suppose you are going to name the child ‘Jesus’?!”
To which Joseph replies, “Goodness no, man! That’s not even a Jewish name! What do you think we are, Puerto Ricans?”
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